The only way to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, loony-tune, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherfuckers. So please, liberals, start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary, anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans. And to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody, the party within the Democratic party will be called the Donner Party. That’s right - we will literally eat each other before we give an inch.

[…] And don’t tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it’s the ACLU or Greenpeace or MoveOn.org. Those are educated people… We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the Tea people maniac for maniac and say to them, “You think you can be pea-brained, single-minded, and purple with rage? Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired.”

You say no new taxes on the rich? We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion? We call for federally-funded partial-birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonald’s. You want Reagan on the fifty-dollar bill? We insist on Janeane Garofalo. Because apparently crazy is the new sensible, and we will not lose the war of bad ideas.

So here’s what else we want: Guns. Still legal, but no new guns may be produced. Therefore, to get one, you have to literally pry it from another guy’s cold dead hands. Also, not only must gay history be taught in public schools, but also gay math - with word problems like, “If the park ranger inspects the restrooms every four hours, and it takes Glen 12 minutes to get a stranger off, how many strangers can Glen service between inspections?”

In any budget stalemate, the Donner Party will insist on a rider to the bill stipulating that Jesus is just a guy, and if you so much as thank him for scoring a touchdown, the state will take your children. And you must perform 200 hours of community theater.

And the other bill that I’m afraid the Donner Party must insist on is the We Want Everything They Have Act of 2011, which guarantees all Americans what Europeans get, like free health care and six weeks of paid vacation - which sounds so good I think I’ll start mine right now.

Bill Maher, Real Time with Bill Maher 8.5.11 (via t-timemusings)

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